Sunday, December 31, 2006

In preparation for the New Year

With the many festivities everyone has planned, I felt I should prepare everyone with the following important information.

Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the giant burrito from the 3:00 AM Mexican taco place adventure. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out on your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

I hope that everyone will utilize this scale on New Years Day and link to this post so we all know just how much FUN we had!!


Saturday, December 30, 2006

Watch as I roll my eyes dramatically...

Now...once you girls stop laughing long enough to pick yourselves up off the floor, let me know what you think!


I'm not surprised either.

You Will Keep Your New Year's Resolution

You planning on making a resolution that's smart, attainable, and perfect for where your life is.

Considering I made a resolution several years ago to NEVER make another New Years Resolution, and I've stuck to it!!


Friday, December 29, 2006

Thoughts for the Season Part Deux

Let us not forget things that every woman should HAVE!

A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
A black lace bra.

One friend who
Always makes her Laugh...
And one
Who lets her cry...

A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family...

Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
make her guests feel honored.

A feeling of control over
Her destiny...


Thursday, December 28, 2006

Thoughts for the Season

With Christmas over and New Years just around the corner, here are some things I thought every woman out there should know:

How to fall in love
Without losing herself...

How to quit a job…
Break up with a Lover…
Confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
When to try harder ... and

That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents...

That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect, but;
Its over...

What she would and wouldn't
Do for love or more...

How to live alone...
even if she doesn't like it.

Whom she can trust,
Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't
Take it personally.

Where to go...
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table.
Or a charming Inn in the woods...
When her soul needs soothing...

What she can and can't accomplish
In a day...
A month.
And a year...


Saturday, December 16, 2006

Sounds like a plan!

You Should Spend the Holidays In

Ireland - where you leave a bottle of Guinness out for Santa


Time Off!!

I have worked from my employer since January of 1998. Every year I have requested the week between Christmas and New Years off....and I have never been approved for it.

You see, we have what is called PTO, or Paid Time Off. When you request your PTO time for the year, your Supervisor will approve all PTO time requested based on seniority. Because of this, every time I got promoted, I was the least senior person in the unit and was never approved for this week because someone with more seniority than me had already requested it, and depending on the size of the unit you are in, depends on how many people the Supervisors can approve PTO time for on the same day/week.

I attribute my lack of being able to get this time off due to the fact that 95% of the people I work with have no ambition or drive to promote, so they've been in their positions FOR LONGER THAN I HAVE BEEN WITH THE COMPANY!!! I on the other hand am currently holding my 5th position within the company in almost 8 years.

Finally, for the first time ever, I HAVE THE WEEK OFF BETWEEN CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS!! I can stay home with my kids and let them enjoy all of their new stuff, get the house clean, and do all those things that I haven't had time to do!

One more week of work and then I'm off until next year!


Thursday, December 14, 2006

I have found Him!

For years I have wondered about the truth. I have been told many things by many different people, but none seemed quite right.

There was always something missing.

So I searched for answers anywhere I could. I studied different concepts, only to discover that each one, although unique, was the same as the others. I was left with the same questions each time and was running out of resources.

Today, after all the years of wondering, waiting and hoping for answers, I was given the WAY! The way to answer all of my questions! It was Him.

He - who created the universe.
He - the Creator and Overseer.
He - the Flying Spaghetti Monster.


Sunday, December 10, 2006 it's SPF 15!

Guys generally hate lip balm... or maybe it's just my husband. Every time I put on my strawberry Chapstick he refuses to come near me because I have "GOOP" on my lips.

But I think I have found a solution! It's called Old Chub Lip Balm, and it's made from (among other things) BEER! Yes folks, that's right. Enjoy that beer flavor all day and night! Never worry again about hiding that beer in the car, at work, or in church!

I'm thinking he might appreciate this more than the strawberry Chapstick even with a tag line of "Twist the Knob and Rub the Chub!"


Look! It's a post!

If I had a melon baller, I would scoop out the part of my brain that holds the visual my Blog-Grandpa put in my head!

As you all may have noticed, I'm not posting much anymore. Between work and the holidays, I'm BEAT by the time I get home and rarely get on the computer. I have been trying to make an attempt, but after the THREATENING comment made on my previous post, it was obvious to me that I'd better make more attempts at posting, for fear of Harvey following through if for no other reason!

Because it's the holiday season, it's time to get into the spirit by enjoying the sights and sounds of Christmas!